Glad Monday is over!!!!!

Well, I don't know what it is about monday's that we dread so much. Maybe it's just that for most of us, after having a couple of days off over the weekend, Monday comes, and then it's back to the ole grind.

I know that one shouldn't wish their life away, but I am so glad that Monday is over. Mine was not a good one. I'm not sure if it is my menopausal emotions kicking in, or what, but I spent most of the day on the verge of tears, and ended up that way before the day was over.

As usual, it is a couple of days before payday, and we're down to our last few $'s, with the car setting close to empty, not many ciggs. left, and wondering how we're going to make it through the next couple of days. Landon, and his family, are having some financial difficulties, and the fact that I myself am broke, and can't help out any, didn't help the emotions any at all yesterday. I'm still dwelling on the fact that in two weeks, Kirk, Tara-Lee and Eva will be leaving. I am not handling it well at all, and just thinking about it most times, brings me to tears. Kirk was going to be spending some time with Landon before he left, but hasn't been doing that...only one night, as he says it's "inconvenient" for Eva...yet he won't bother to set up the crib that Landon has, that would make it easier. It's upsetting to me, because Landon has talked to me about how hurt he is that Kirk hasn't bothered to spend the time with him like he said he was going to. I don't really think that Kirk realizes how lost Landon is going to be, once he is gone...and acts as though he doesn't think it's a "big deal", that he's not spending the time with him as he said he would. Noticing the date yesterday didn't help my emotions, either. It was a yr. ago today, that my Granny died. It doesn't seem like she's been gone that long. A part of me died that day. I could always go to her when things seemed bad, and she always knew what to say to make it better. I found myself needing her so badly last night, but knowing that she wasn't here, just made the emotions worse. As if that wasn't enough, then Lee and I got into it over finances, the minute I picked him up for work. That sure didn't help after the day I'd had, and it seemed as though he was more concerned about throwing around blame. He usually asks how my day went, but not yesterday. By the time I dropped him off at home, I just left to go driving around (as if I could afford to do that with the car almost on empty), crying, praying, and feeling pretty worthless, as if nothing I did would be good enough, or right, and pretty much feeling like my life was in the toilet! Of course, I know that it isn't...I have so much to be thankful for, but it seems when everything tends to pile up on you all at once, that you can't help but feel any other way. Yesterday was sure one of those days. I finally came home, physically sick from crying and being so upset, and just went to my room and laid down for a bit...still so upset that Lee didn't realize how much his words had hurt, or concerned about the fact that my day had been full of such topsy turvy emotions...of course, how would he know, when he didn't bother to ask. Part of me wanted to spout back at him all the hurt that I'd been feeling that day, but never bothered to say anything to him, figuring that if he really was concerned about it or wanted to know, that he would have bothered to ask. I sure don't want everyone thinking that he's some type of cold hearted person...he isn't, but he was definately adding fuel to the fire last night. I hate it when things are like this between us. It only reminds me of a couple of years ago, when I left him in a hospital room, "I love you", being the last words I'd said to him, and then 2 hours later, I was looking at him in a ICU room, unconscience, and not knowing if he was going to live or die. It brings reality into a whole new light, realizing how fast someone can be gone from your life. Even this morning, things were a little tense, and not much said. I dropped him off at work, and before leaving, he looked at me with that little boyish look he gets, and said "I love you"...as if I had forgotten, or didn't think he did anymore. I replied back the same.

I just hope that today goes better than yesterday did. It's going to be a difficult day, remembering Granny, and I sure hope that work today goes smoothly, as I don't want to be fighting back tears all day, upset and emotional over the least little thing. Again, not that I wish my life away, but I just want work to go by quickly today, so that I can get back home, and away from all the hustle and bustle of everyday life.

Well, this sure hasn't been the cheeriest of emails. I had to get some of this off my chest, and it is good knowing that I have a place to come, where I can release some emotions, to good friends that I know understand and care. With yesterday behind me, and feeling much like no one cares, it helps to be able to get rid of some of the emotions, even if it is in the typed word.

I do hope that you all have a wonderful day, full of happy and beautiful memories. Say a little prayer for me, that my day will be a lot less emotional than it was yesterday. I can't take too many days like that. It's about more than my heart can bare.
God bless......
Much love,
Lev